Reinventing the Wheel

[/caption] The wheel was invented somewhere around 4,000 BCE. About 6,000 years later, Functional Fitness 204 decided the wheel is totally weak. According to Wikipedia, the invention of the wheel allowed humans to do 1/40 the amount of work as if they dragged the same object. Mechanical advantage, reduced friction and all that. Reducing work is kinda cool if you have to move a load of rocks 15 miles to build a wall around your property for the purpose of repelling bandits or enclosing livestock. If you need to build a castle to keep Khal Drogo out, or if your goats tend to wander and fall into random ravines, then by all means use the wheel to move those rocks as fast as you can. On the other hand, if you aren’t trying to keep a horde of horse lords from desecrating your holy places and riding off with your women, reducing work is nonsense. It’s utter nonsense if you’re into fitness. At Functional Fitness 204, we take great pride in our stack of big wheels, mainly because we use them wrong. Instead of rolling tires and moving loads, we flip tires. It’s the ultimate middle finger to physics and finesse, a high-five to brute strength and raw power—which are the coolest things ever. Flipping a tire is primitive. It’s like using a cell phone to hammer a nail, a credit card to scrape the frost off your windows, a microwave to prop open a door, or a Dyson Air Multiplyer for a game of cornhole. It’s like that awesome scene from Zoolander when Hansel smashes the PC to find the files inside it. “The files are in the computer?” You know what? To hell with technology. Let’s lift some stuff. Hell, yeah. Hulk smash real good. At Functional Fitness 204, we have big pile of tires by the back door. We have Darth Stubby, Darth Filthy, Darth Slender, Darth Medium and Darth Vader. Yes, these names are inspired by Star Wars. And yes, we are still in search of The Emperor, a savagely heavy tire that weighs about 700 lb. He’s out there, and we will find him, with The Force. People always ask us what we do with the tires. Well, these Sith Lords are for flipping, not rolling. Sometimes we hit them with a sledgehammer, because that is also cool. But mostly we flip the Sith Lords. Rolling tires is for modern humans who are soft and lazy, and perhaps for people who fly X-Wings. People like Porkins. Flipping tires is for hard, rugged and savage beasts who like to lift heavy stuff and behave like pirates. People who grunt and sweat and swear when they work out. People who don’t care that the tires are dirty and might have some cat pee on them from the year they spent on my porch. Wookiees flip tires. So do Dothraki. As do honey badgers. Flipping tires is primal, and primal people are fit. They can do stuff. They’re the people you want to know when you’re moving and the elevator is broken, or when your car is stuck in some horrid snow drift, or when you need brute force, firm resolve and blind dedication to a task because careful thought and planning just won’t do. Primal people get results when normal people are complaining about blisters. And they flip tires. You could become one of these people. Come flip tires with us at Functional Fitness 204. We will teach you how, and you’ll discover you’re fitter than you think.


Skate Skiing in the Dark?

We head to Mount Evergreen and ski under the stars, then plink some targets at the Lake of the Woods Gun Club.


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